My mind has been preoccupied with redemption most of my life. My struggle with depression, and associated feelings of guilt, shame, non-existent self-belief (forget about self-respect) has always been an almost lost cause, until recently, i.e. perhaps ~ 3 years ago.
Is my mind still muddled? Yes. Do I doubt myself often? Check. So what changed?
Answer: an acknowledgement of trauma – having lived, breathed and most importantly, survived through it. There exists a film called ‘The Upside of Anger’; the relevant part is the ending monologue, which I paraphrase: the upside of anger is that it allows you to live, to survive. Sounds almost like the last 16-17 years of my life. Yes, THAT bad!
You see, once I started acknowledging that I had made terrible mistakes, it allowed me to see the things I survived as circumstances – none of my making – that we humans must jut survive through.
I admit I was and indeed, still am angry that I had to go through all of this, whereas none of my family have to go through these feelings. I have felt angry and isolated at exactly this – feeling angry and isolated all the time…and lonely! Except, of course, when I am with my children. I daresay I would almost let them do anything to me, if only I can make and keep them happy, content and grow into wonderful people, the likes of whom I have known over the last 4 decades.
There are reasons for my anger and isolation, but more on that later. Enough self-pitying self-analysis for one post.