Redemption – 1

My mind has been preoccupied with redemption most of my life. My struggle with depression, and associated feelings of guilt, shame, non-existent self-belief (forget about self-respect) has always been an almost lost cause, until recently, i.e. perhaps ~ 3 years ago.

Is my mind still muddled? Yes. Do I doubt myself often? Check. So what changed?

Answer: an acknowledgement of trauma – having lived, breathed and most importantly, survived through it. There exists a film called ‘The Upside of Anger’; the relevant part is the ending monologue, which I paraphrase: the upside of anger is that it allows you to live, to survive. Sounds almost like the last 16-17 years of my life. Yes, THAT bad!

You see, once I started acknowledging that I had made terrible mistakes, it allowed me to see the things I survived as circumstances – none of my making – that we humans must jut survive through.

I admit I was and indeed, still am angry that I had to go through all of this, whereas none of my family have to go through these feelings. I have felt angry and isolated at exactly this – feeling angry and isolated all the time…and lonely! Except, of course, when I am with my children. I daresay I would almost let them do anything to me, if only I can make and keep them happy, content and grow into wonderful people, the likes of whom I have known over the last 4 decades.

There are reasons for my anger and isolation, but more on that later. Enough self-pitying self-analysis for one post.

1 thought on “Redemption – 1”

  1. Krishna(ma Raju)

    Loved reading these – except one which required a password – while reading this post I could not help but think of your days at RRI and the peculiarities of the the management

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